Waiting to Exhale
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: It was to keep him safe and alive but waiting was the last thing Jamie wanted and now he was going to remedy the mess he had made. Can Danny stop him? Post ep 2.21 Collateral Damage Jamie/Danny Contains spoilers/missing scene


**Title: Waiting to Exhale**

**Summary:** It was to keep him safe and alive but waiting was the last thing Jamie wanted and now he was going to remedy the mess he had made. Can Danny stop him? Post ep 2.21 Collateral Damage Jamie/Danny Contains spoilers/missing scene

**Disclaimer: ** Um you know by now write? Lol I own nothing but my hard working muse Alice.

**A/N:** only one eppy left! Okay was wondering how they'd wrap up the whole Sanfino/Riordan case and I'm not sure but did everyone else get the feeling the showdown between Jamie and Danny in the next eppy could be about him leaving the force? That's kinda what I gathered from the final moment between Frank and Jamie. I am so hoping I'm wrong and they'll all be back season 3 but we'll see! Come discuss in the forum if you want!

_"Words in double quotes and italic's taken directly from the eppy"_

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_"They sent a lawyer to represent you – we didn't anticipate that. You weren't there. Chatter that Philip Sanfino has orders out to put a hit on Jimmy Riordan. You sit this out until there is no longer a price on your head."_

It wasn't something he had been expecting when the two detectives came and personally took him off his shift and personally escorted him back to the precinct where his father was waiting to deliver the fateful news. However, in the days that followed all it did was serve to feed his tension and anxiety instead of soothe his mind that his life was being taken care of by the best man in the business.

But it wasn't so much his father's strict concern that forces his agitation to simmer it was the fact that he had time to sit and ponder his fate and resenting the fact that Danny was out there doing his job and he was stuck inside feeling like a grounded teenager all over again.

_"You treat Danny like he's made of armor and me like I'm made of toothpicks."_

Henry had tried to instill in Jamie his father's concern but as henry had insinuated, he's not a father and so doesn't know inside the personal torment that Frank is having to contend with in knowing that there is a price on your son's head by one of the most vilest men in the city. Words were spoken but the inner feeling partially lost on the youngest Reagan, due of course to life experience - he wasn't a father and couldn't know inside the feelings of impeding loss to evil that Frank had already experienced.

But something inside Jamie had eaten away; it was the fact that despite Noble was also one of the baddies there was a now price on his head for his actions and Jamie didn't want to live with that death on his conscience.

_"Noble is collateral damage…got what he deserved…Danny is right."_

He was the only one at the family dinner that had stuck up for a man that without much thought would have ended his life and walked away with the last laugh; even Erin siding with the eldest Reagan sibling.

_How can I not see this? _Jamie's mind swirls as he sits alone in the darkened room, his stomach churning and fists tight. It wasn't like Noble was completely innocent, he had incurred his uncle's wrath by bringing Jimmy Riordan in in the first place. However, there had been a few times when Noble had stuck up for Jimmy – hence the inner justification for wanting to warn the Sanfino wiseguy that his life was in danger. Was it to appease his own mind or justify his own actions?

And in the end? He had blown his cover – not completely but told Noble what he in reality was. And how was he repaid? With a bout of mocking laughter and snide comments from the Sanfino wise guy that made Jamie feel in that moment that he once again didn't follow the right orders – he had listened to his heart instead of his head and now was paying the emotional price. His father and brother were right and he was once again wrong. _Why the hell did I say yes to all this?_

He takes another sip of the whiskey, the now warmed glass feeling heavy in his hands and his head slightly spinning. He had saved Noble's life and he had basically thrown it back in his face!

"It meant nothing," Jamie hisses under his breath, a short vile curse quickly following; as he replays Noble's reaction to his wanting to save his life. He had in that moment finally realized he let everyone down. And now his parting words to his father seemed more fitting than ever.

_"Seems I see the best in people even when other's don't, it's a liability for a cop. Something to think about."_

Danny didn't care about Noble, he didn't care about most of the scum he dealt with on a daily basis; choosing to rather deal with the black and white aspect of the law rather than trying to peel back the layers and deal with the grey matter. Jamie had so wanted to believe and had convinced himself in a very short time frame, that Noble would have been grateful for his life and then just walked away making Jamie happy that he had trusted his own intuition rather than lean on his father's experience. But that plan had backfired royally; Noble showing in the end his true colors.

"Stupid," he softly berates himself once more as he takes another swig and then slams the empty glass down on the wooden surface of the nearby table; not breaking the glass but merely making an odd sound echo in his empty apartment.

As soon as Noble had thrown it all back in his face he knew he had lost some sort of personal credence with his father that he couldn't take back even if he wanted to. Why didn't he listen? Why?

Jamie feels another surge of angry frustration starting to swell and takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut and waiting a few extra seconds to exhale, hoping his mind would clear and he'd emerge from his emotional fog, realizing that this had all been a dream and he had in fact listened – gaining his family's admiration instead of their agitation.

"Stupid," he growls at himself once again as he pours a few more ounces of the golden poison into the glass and hungrily gulps down another hearty mouthful, letting the liquid burn his lungs all the way down to his churning stomach. He leans back in the soft leather chair in his darkened apartment, wondering what he'll face at the next family dinner; the last one being a foreshadowing of his own mental crucifixion.

"Danny's always right," Jamie mutters bitterly as he shakes his head, not caring that the room was starting to spin a bit harder and faster. "Always…always right! He's always right!" Jamie growls as he takes another angry gulp, allowing the poison to sear his mind and taint his heart.

He takes another swig, nearing the bottom of the glass once again, his rash thinking now starting to wane; his mind cursing himself, Noble and his brother. He couldn't curse his father because he knows, as Frank had confessed in his own words, that he _"would have done it for any other NYPD officer."_ And Jamie knew and believed that; the stinging inside his mind was from his own inner arrogance at thinking that his intuition about people far outweighed his father's experience in dealing with them.

"Why didn't I listen…why the hell didn't I listen?" Jamie grumbles as his fingers tighten around the clear glass with a few sips of the whiskey swirling around the bottom of the thick glass tumbler. So Noble would be taken away now? He didn't take the offer like Bianca had, so what happens now? He didn't give his name but he couldn't exactly hide his face; how would that come back to haunt him?

"It will," Jamie angrily surmises as he downs the last few drops of whiskey and then looks at the bottle; remembering his father's words about when he had faced a tough case and how much he had drunk – mostly to ease his own inner demons.

But no matter how much he downed, the pain wasn't going away and the mistake he had made could not be undone – he had outed himself and now was paying the emotional price. His father wouldn't openly express his disappointment but Jamie didn't have to hear the exact words to know he had let everyone down.

"Time to make amends," Jamie mutters with a slightly drunken slur, his mind and stomach only having the golden poison to fuel his mis-guided thoughts. Jamie pushes himself up from the chair, heads for the door and grabs his jacket and then turns and eyes his gun and badge on the table. He takes his gun and shoves it into his inner pocket.

"I'll finish the hit," he growls as he pictures Noble's mocking and unappreciative expression stating to display on his face. He takes his keys and wallet but foregoes his badge; his mind once again not thinking rationally or looking ahead to the bigger picture.

"I'll make it right," Jamie tries to convince himself, shaking his head to try to lose the drunken fog, but instead succeeding in making his head spin a bit faster. He heads toward the elevator, his core on fire and his mind telling himself that if takes care of Noble then he'd never have to look over his shoulder again.

He slightly stumbles into the elevator and leans against the wall, the door starting to slowly close. But just before it fully encases him, he sees Danny's face appear and then disappear when the doors close. Of course the image was cross as was to be expected, but Jamie merely shrugs off the image as a figment of his turbulent imagination and waits for the elevator to slowly descend to the main floor – his waiting destiny.

The doors open with a resounding hiss and Jamie takes a few steps out of the steel box, only to have a hand try to grab his forearm; his right hand instantly reaching for his gun and pulling it free – aiming it at his would be attacker.

"Whoa hold on there kid!" Danny instantly puts his hands up and lowers the tone of his voice.

"Danny," Jamie exhales heavily, his hand fumbling to reinstate the gun to its previous position; his brother able to gather his emotional state by the fumes wafting in his direction.

"Its me...now put that thing away."

"What do you want?" Jamie demands as he finally gets the gun out of view.

"Where are you going with that?"

"Out for some…milk and I never leave home…without it," Jamie stammers, his face flushed and heart racing.

"A bit jumpy."

"As expected right?" Jamie sneers.

"Whatever that means."

"What do you want?" He asks again in a firm angry tone.

"I heard the fallout from your confession to good old what's his face."

"Noble. Yeah I told him…I didn't give him my real name."

"You told him to meet you outside dad's house dumb ass! That's the same damn thing!" Danny growls before he steps back, rubs his face and huffs. He shakes his head and then looks at Jamie with a heavy frown. "What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't okay? Is that what you wanted to hear!" Jamie half shouts, drawing a wondering glance from two bystanders waiting inside for their taxi cab.

"Yeah fine."

"Well then good!"

"Right," Danny nods as he looks around and knows that if any heated family discussion was about to play out, it would be done in privacy. So just as another building tenant gets off the elevator, he grabs Jamie by the arm and pulls him into the open elevator, pushing Jamie's floor and holding his brother hostage until the doors close.

"Let…go!" Jamie growls as he tries to pull free. "Danny!"

"Come on, let's go."

"No."

"You're drunk and armed," Danny counters as he lets go but stands in front of the button panel.

"Get out of my way!" Jamie half shouts.

"No," Danny simply replies. "You're done makin' stupid decisions."

"Oh what the hell do you care?"

"That's my name and family pride on the line too buddy! So don't you forget it or think you're the only one calling the shots around here."

"No dad is!" Jamie retorts as the elevator stops on his floor once again and Danny fairly pushes him into the hallway.

"Give me your damn key."

"No."

"I swear you better not make me take it from you!" Danny warns as he leans in a bit closer.

"I thought he'd…"

"What, thank you? His life is meaningless! Don't you get that? Noble Sanfino isn't a Noble guy…he's a hitman for one of the most vile men in the country! He's used to this crappy life he's cut out for himself. And you wanted to save that by putting your own life on the line? Yeah way to go kid!"

"Okay fine so I'm not a genius like you okay? I thought he'd thank me for what I did and everything would be fine," Jamie tries to argue back in his defense. In the meantime, Danny had fished out his own key to Jamie's apartment and was slowly steering his brother in that direction.

"Yeah just like in the movies," Danny snaps.

"I just wanted to make…"

"What? Everyone happy? Yeah gee kid that's been your MO your whole life. Time to grow up," Danny grumbles as he opens Jamie's apartment, surprised when his brother doesn't put up too much of a fuss.

"I am."

"Oh by what? Going out armed and drunk?"

"Whatever."

"What were you really going to do tonight."

"Get some...damn milk!"

But when he spies Jamie's badge still sitting on the kitchen counter he knows that his brother's confession of earlier was a lie. He left it home on purpose – the intentions for his outing a bit more nefarious.

"Don't lie to me. So what was your plan? You going out tonight as Jimmy or Jamie?"

"Does it matter anymore?"

"Yeah to some it does. Don't you get that?"

"I can fix this," Jamie insists.

"You're drunk and not thinking straight."

"I CAN MAKE IT RIGHT!" Jamie shouts before he turns away and curses under his breath.

"You're done trying to make things right."

"Why the hell did I say yes to all this in the first place?"

"Because you wanted an early taste of glory that's why," Danny retorts. "You know how many years on the beat before I did my first undercover stint?"

"Yeah but then you were promoted right away."

"Yeah I was because I followed my damn orders! Dad told you to…"

"He told me to find away."

"A smart cop woulda played it out the way the commissioner wanted – not the way he wanted. Sure he told you, but he wanted you to do the right thing and that was wait and do nothing!"

"Would you have?"

"In this case Yes. You did listened to yourself first and dad second. That's glory seeking. What you thought you'd be the hero, help Noble and he'd turn whatever trick you wanted and help put his family away? He owes you squat! And now every time you put on that uniform, you are possibly jeopardizing yourself and anyone around you! Do you get that?"

"I do now. Okay?"

"Why the hell didn't you just ride this damn thing out?"

"I thought…I thought he'd want my help. I thought I had made a connection."

"He's a two bit junkie and mob hit man! Those are his two biggest attributes. Wearing a cement kimono is only a matter of time for this clown," Danny explains heatedly. "He doesn't give jack about your intentions and certainly wouldn't think twice about capping you if it meant erasing the price on his head. Do you get that?"

Jamie pulls away and heads a bit further into his darkened apartment, heading for the window and flinging his jacket to the right, Danny remaining in place by the door, watching his brother slowly self-destruct.

"Sometimes you gotta trust your instincts and sometimes you gotta trust experience. In this case you shoulda trusted experience."

"And now I'm screwed right? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"No," Danny's voice drops a bit as he sees Jamie's shoulders slump. "I don't have an answer and I didn't come here to give you one."

"Yes you did…you know exactly why you came here!" Jamie spits out as he turns and glares at Danny with an angry scowl.

"I came here to remind you that sometimes you gotta learn to listen to others; that's what makes you a good cop."

"Oh yeah like you always listen!" Jamie childishly counters.

"You didn't know me as a rookie okay? You didn't see the stupid mistakes I made."

"Ever made one this big?"

Danny looks at Jamie and purses his lips but says nothing.

"Right…of course. You were perfect and I'll never live up to that! Just say it already," Jamie huffs as he blinks back a few ensuing angry tears, his heart rate elevated. He takes another step but with the room starting to spin and the darkness impeding his blurry vision, his foot catches and he crashes to the floor on his knees, Danny quickly at his side.

"Hold on."

"No! Get…away!" Jamie tries to push out, forcing Danny to back off a little.

Jamie twists around and slumps down onto his butt and looks back at the window in misery; his lungs slightly heaving as he pictures his father's look of disappointment. "Dad wants me to quit. He hates me and wants me to quit."

"That's the booze talkin'," Danny sighs as he takes off his jacket and sits down on the floor next to Jamie.

"I just wanted to do the right thing. I was done waiting…holding my breath and…"

"And you thought you could help," Danny finishes in a softer tone as he watches Jamie slump back against the side of the couch and start to list in the opposite direction. He gently wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him back toward him; Jamie too tired and emotionally exhausted to fight back and finally just slumping down in Danny's lap.

"Danny…."

"Yeah?"

"Should I quit?"

Danny doesn't answer, only listens to Jamie take a deep breath; both of them waiting to exhale. It wasn't his decision to make and after the past few days trying events and he didn't want to be the one to persuade Jamie's hand either way – he had to make that decision on his own, no matter how painful.

"Shhh just close your eyes and rest okay."

Jamie finally feels himself slowly exhale, his body temperature elevated and heart racing but his mind and heart finding comfort in his brother's protective grasp. Noble…in a heartbeat would do him in; Danny without hesitation would protect him at any cost. But Danny's silent reply to his question was the turning point – the decision was now his and for that the whole family would take a deep breath and then wait…the final exhale would be his reply. A reply that would change his life course forever.

**THE END!**

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**A/N:** Okay so hope you all liked this little angsty number and left it a bit open ended b/c I will come back to it next week and write my final eppy OS to wrap this all up. So please do review before you go and thanks so much!

**PS:** Yes RL has been hell this past week so that's why I didn't update Police Academy but am working on that for next week so please do forgive and thanks again.


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